How to Create Your Challenge Network

Everybody has a network, or rather, everyone has multiple networks, and we derive different things from our different networks. Your high school friends may provide nostalgia, your work colleagues a safe space to vent frustration, your softball team a way to unwind. Networks can be as big as your university’s alumni association or as small as you and your therapist. Interactions can range from multiple times a day to an annual reunion. If you are reading this post, I am a part of your social media network, one that allows us to like (Facebook), love (Instagram/Twitter), and applaud (LinkedIn) each other. On its best days, I like to think of social media as a public digital support network.

One network that often goes overlooked is our challenge network, a term coined by Adam Grant. Basically, while we all like people who give us praise and support, if we want to improve, we need someone to push back, someone to disagree with us. (There’s no “Try harder” button on Facebook). This seems intuitive. If you shoot foul shots at 50% and your coach says “Keep up the good work!” you may feel satisfied, but you may never improve. If you want to increase that percentage, you need critical feedback, like “Let’s break down your form and work on the follow-through.” This is initially harder to hear, but will help you in the long run. The coach challenged you.
 
Chances are you have a few of these people in your life already. The teacher who gives a full-page of red-inked comments, the personal trainer who makes you do a burnout, the friend who helps you kick a detrimental habit, your AA sponsor. A challenger is not exactly a motivator (e.g., “You can do anything you set your mind to!”), or a contrarian (“I wouldn’t do it that way.”), or a devil’s advocate (e.g., “Sure…but”), or even a mentor (“Here is what I would do.”).  The challenger moves from vague platitudes to specific advice with the singular goal of making you better at something. Anyone who says “You may not like me now but you will thank me later” is challenging you. Grant outlines why we should create a challenge network in Think Again. I’m interested in how to do it.
 
The first step is to identify candidates:

• The challenger should be someone you know, but the intimacy of the relationship is not crucial. Research shows positive outcomes from both strong and weak ties, so a close friend, professional acquaintance, student, teacher, etc., could all fill the role.
• The challenger should be someone you trust. We only accept criticism from people we trust, and this person must be honest with you even if the truth hurts.
• The challenger should be someone you respect. These conversations can be difficult, and the exchange hinges on a mutual respect between parties.
• At least one challenger should be in your field, industry, etc. They have a sense of your path and can provide more targeted advice. They can also help you overcome the illusion of explanatory depth by forcing you to explain in detail something you assume you know.
• At least one challenger should be outside your field, industry, etc. This person may help you overcome the curse of knowledge by forcing you to slow down and clarify something you take for granted. Ever heard someone say “Explain it to me like I’m a kindergartner?” That’s because it takes a special skill to articulate your expertise to a wider audience.
• The challenger should be empathetic. They need to see the world through your eyes to offer a useful assessment.
• The challenger should have some investment in you as a person or your career. They should want what is in your best interest—not theirs.

 
By now you probably thought of a few people who fit those criteria. How do you make them a part of your challenge network? This is where it gets tricky. Most people are conflict averse, meaning we avoid confrontation. Remember the whole point of this person is to challenge/confront you, essentially inviting conflict where it doesn’t need to be. We are also loss averse, meaning we’d rather not lose a friend than gain one. Asking someone to be brutally honest with you runs the risk of damaging—or even losing—that personal relationship. So to create a challenge network you have to overcome both conflict and loss aversion, which amounts to a risky proposition.
 
But it may not be as risky as we think. In general, individuals believe that others will respond negatively when asked sensitive questions. We think it will come off as too personal, offensive, abrasive, or inappropriate. Compare questions like “How about this weather?” and “Did you catch that game last night?” with “Are you close with your parents?” or “What is something you struggle with?” While asking about the weather may not move the needle on a friendship, it runs no risk of damaging it either. However, research by Maurice Schweitzer shows that people are generally more open to these types of questions than we think. Further, there is a real opportunity cost of not asking sensitive questions because you never deepen that relationship, leaving relational capital on the table. Schweitzer’s takeaway is that the chances are slim that we will ruin a friendship by asking a sensitive question, and the benefits outweigh the risk of moving out of our conversational comfort zones.
 
Applied to building a challenge network, you essentially have to reverse the order of the sensitivity. You are not asking for sensitive information about the person, rather, you are asking for critical feedback, which is sensitive information about yourself. Instead of asking “What do you struggle with?” you are saying “Please tell me what I struggle with.” This places pressure on the challenger, which is why we don’t like to do it. As a teacher, after a colleague observes my class, I may ask, “What did you think?” to which the auto-reply is “Great job!” Not much is gained in that interaction. But If I were to ask, “How do you think I could improve student engagement?” I might receive feedback that makes me a better teacher. However, immediately you can see the potential for conflict. Hearing something like, “You talk to fast,” “You don’t ask enough questions,” or “You use too much jargon,” may be simultaneously true and offensive, which is why we often default to the low-hanging fruit questions. But the opportunity cost here is self-improvement, and so it is in our best interest to overcome this obstacle.
 
So how do you create this network? Consider the person you identified and follow these 8 steps:

1. Put aside your ego. If you can’t [don’t want to] handle constructive feedback, stop here.
2. Be straightforward and specific in your ask. “I want you to be in my challenge network and here’s why.” Don’t sweat it if they decline and don’t ask for an explanation.
3. Set clear guidelines up front. Let them know what you expect of them, and what they can expect of you.
4. Create a routine with discrete boundaries. If your challenger is a close friend, schedule a half-hour meeting devoted to a challenger conversation and then honor it. Set an actual timer or use a verbal “on/off” cue to transition in and out of friend-challenger mode.
5. Trust the process. You are actively moving outside of your comfort zone, so it may take a while to feel, well, comfortable. Give the relationship time to hit its stride.
6. Do not take the criticism personally. Give each comment 10 seconds to process before you respond. You solicited the feedback, so even if you do not agree with it, you owe the challenger an open ear and open mind.
7. Check-in regularly. Not every challenger relationship will be effective, and that is OK. This is where the trust and respect comes into play. If it is not working for some reason, be as straightforward about concluding the relationship as you were when you formed it. This will help you go back to friends, colleagues, etc.
8. LEARN from it. Listen intently. Evaluate objectively. Adjust accordingly. Reflect honestly. Notice improvements.

 
Networks are essential to the human experience, but we tend to shy away from those that challenge us. Critical feedback is a necessary ingredient for personal growth, and the benefits of building a challenge network outweigh the potential risks. Find someone who will challenge you to be your best self.
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